Received: from evaki.its.uow.edu.au (130.130.68.32) by staffmail.uow.edu.au (10.5.102.13) with Microsoft SMTP Server id 8.1.291.1; Sun, 3 Aug 2008 09:15:48 +1000 Received: from febris-nat.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.210] helo=febris.its.uow.edu.au) by evaki.its.uow.edu.au with esmtp (Exim 4.69) (envelope-from ) id 1KPQKB-0001XX-FP for blane@uow.edu.au; Sun, 03 Aug 2008 09:15:47 +1000 Received: from c3.confirmedcc.com (c3.confirmedcc.com [64.95.77.164]) by febris.its.uow.edu.au (MOS 3.8.7a) with ESMTP id MUI09784; Sun, 3 Aug 2008 09:15:42 +1000 (EST) Received: from p1-ws008.ad.prodcc.net (unknown [10.250.0.101]) by c3.confirmedcc.com (Postfix) with ESMTP id A329F230028 for ; Sat, 2 Aug 2008 19:15:40 -0400 (EDT) From: Fatherhood Foundation To: Brian Lane Date: Sun, 3 Aug 2008 09:15:40 +1000 Subject: Being the Kind Father Thread-Topic: Being the Kind Father Thread-Index: Acj09bLECnhHoQWBTtK4t3xxjFWvrg== Message-ID: <1102187222638.1101938345415.1211.8.100191502@scheduler> List-Unsubscribe: http://visitor.constantcontact.com/d.jsp?p=un&v=001jm8CFGIzLJHYg-gJRLc-3d90mBLDU8ykYwj_i3m2tCTd_7qXKx9ieA== Reply-To: "info@fathersonline.org" Accept-Language: en-AU, en-US Content-Language: en-US X-MS-Exchange-Organization-AuthAs: Anonymous X-MS-Exchange-Organization-AuthSource: excasht01.ad.uow.edu.au X-MS-Has-Attach: X-MS-TNEF-Correlator: x-junkmail-status: score=10/49, host=febris.its.uow.edu.au x-junkmail-sd-raw: score=unknown, refid=str=0001.0A090207.4894EAA3.0105,ss=1,fgs=0, ip=64.95.77.164, so=2008-05-01 23:44:25, dmn=5.4.3/2008-02-01 x-return-path-hint: ESC1102187222638_1101938345415_1211@in.confirmedcc.com x-roving-id: 1101938345415.1211 x-roving-campaignid: 1102187222638 x-roving-streamid: 0 x-lumos-senderid: 1101938345415 x-junkmail-iwf: false Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="_000_1102187222638110193834541512118100191502scheduler_" MIME-Version: 1.0 --_000_1102187222638110193834541512118100191502scheduler_ Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/11.jpg?a=3D11= 02187222638] 4th August 2008 Inspiring Fathers Encouraging Families Issue 311 [http://img.constantcontact.com/letters/images/1101093164665/people3_header= 1.jpg] Being the Kind Father Dear Brian, Welcome to the Fatherhood Foundation newsletter and email information servi= ce for the fathers and families as we present being the kind Father. In This Issue Frontline...A Brave Man's Story Laughter.. Going, Going Gong Grandfathers...Passing by Wondering Single Dads...Two Sides of the Same Coin All You Need is Love..10 Things You Can Do Special Feature...The Dark Side of Dad News & Info..News Links for Parents Dad's Prayer..Help Me Discover Who I Am Next Week Fathering Adventures Join our Mailing List! [http://img.constantcontact.com/ui/images1/ftf_btn_1.gif] Quick Links Fatherhood Foundation Dads in Distress Focus on the Family National Center for Fathering Families for Life Pathways Foundation Marriage and Family - ACL Dads on the Air Equal Parenting Party CSA Adverts Thought of the Week [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/349.jpg?a=3D1= 102187222638] Go to your bosom, knock there and ask your heart what it doth know. Shakespeare Frontline [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/350.jpg?a= =3D1102187222638] It's a brave man who can tell his own story. Calvin Sandborn is one of thos= e brave men and his book titled 'Becoming the Kind Father' is a very personal story of a= man who wanted to kill his father, but instead killed his feelings. Fortunately Calvin miraculously got in touch with his 'true man', as Dr Eli= zabeth Celi would say, spurred on by the destruction of his own family. Ca= lvin's story is not uncommon but it is heart rending and if you can read th= e book without shedding a tear you are a better man than me. Although Calvi= n would argue the case that the problem with modern men is that a twisted f= orm of patriarchy has knocked the feelings out of most men. Tears do not co= me easily to such men. The challenge we face is to find ourselves. In findi= ng ourselves we can then have authentic relationships with others. It is on= ly then we can become the Kind Father. I find it hard not to agree with him= . In Calvin's own words: Furthermore, intimacy with my own feelings prepares me for intimacy with ot= hers. For I can't have an authentic relationship with you until I know who = I am. I can't possibly share myself with you until I know what it is I feel= and want. And I can't be comfortable with your feelings until I've learned= to be comfortable with my own. As Bernard Berkowitz observed: "People can share whole worlds with each other, but first they must have ac= cess to their own". Knowing what I'm feeling has transformed the nature of my intimate relation= ships. I am no longer just playing a role. There's a depth and warmth, a co= mfort and confidence in just being real about who I am and what I feel. The= re's a satisfaction in putting forward my real feelings to others - and bei= ng met by a real person in response. Perhaps, most importantly, the process of feeling things deeply and respond= ing to those feelings with the Kind Father's compassion means that I finall= y have a real relationship with myself. My inner child is no longer an orph= an. Long ago, Socrates said that life's central challenge was to "Know thyself.= " More than a millennium later, St Augustine pointed out the same thing: "People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of t= he sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at= the circular motion of the stars; and the pass by themselves without wonde= ring." I will not spend a lifetime passing by myself without wondering. I will not= ignore one of life's most important questions - Who am I? I will pay atten= tion to my heart. Lovework You may wonder why I deal so often with issues of the heart. "Couldn't you could give me some practical help" you say. "I want a to-do l= ist on how to become a good father." The truth is that many men have those = lists 'ad nauseam', but it doesn't mean a thing beca= use, just like Calvin Sandborn, they are carrying heavy baggage from their = childhood. We all need to lighten our load! Lovework this week is to simply 'STOP, THINK, FEEL'! What more can I say?? Yours for more feeling Warwick Marsh PS My daughter and I had our interview about Father Daughter Purity Balls and some one has alre= ady put it up on YouTube. We have had several emails from those interested = in getting a 'Father Daughter Purity Ball' happening in Australia. If you a= re interested please contact us at info@fatherhood.org.au You might even like to tell the Sydney Morning Herald what yo= u think of Purity Balls at their Readers' Poll. Currently out of 825 votes it's 15% for and 85% against. ____________________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the grandfath= er of two children and father of five children, four boys and one girl, ran= ging in age from 27 years to 15 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, = producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himsel= f. Laughter [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/351.jpg?a=3D= 1102187222638] A young man moved away from his parents to become a student. Proudly showin= g off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, he led t= he way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the man replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the student. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the student replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shatter= ing pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on t= he other side of the wall screamed: "You idiot, it's ten past three in the = morning!" __________________________ For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the= baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn chil= d. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermo= re, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has b= ecome of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" ______________________________________ Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine mo= nths to download." Grandfathers [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/348.jpg?a=3D1= 102187222638] People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering. St Augustine Single Dads [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/347.jpg?a=3D= 1102187222638] Single Dads - Two Sides of the Same Coin By Warwick Marsh If you have been following Single Dads in fathersonline for a few years you= would realize that I have a passion to encourage single dads to be great d= ads for their children. You will also know that the Fatherhood Foundation h= as been a strong advocate for fairer treatment for single dads by governmen= t and legal instrumentalities. In the past few weeks we have had articles from John Flanagan and Peter Fer= guson. John Flanagan of 'Fairness in Child Support' and the 'Equal Parenting Party= ' wrote a Single Dads article in Issue 308 - 14th July 2008 that was critic= al of the Child Support Agency. Last week (Issue 310 - 28th July 2008) Peter Ferguson, who was a single dad= himself and suffered under the regime of the Child Support Agency, got stu= ck into John Flanagan and the many fathers who ignore their moral and finan= cial obligations to support their children. The Fatherhood Foundation has received several letters of concern both ways= , so I would like to make a few comments about the issues involved. Firstly both of these authors are good friends of mine. Both are dedicated = fathers who have re-partnered and are actively seeking to make a contributi= on to society. Both John and Peter are men of exemplary character and are b= oth well respected in the community. Why is there such strong disagreement = between them? Which of these fine men is right? I am convinced that both are right and that their differing opinions are tw= o side of the same coin. The Child Support Agency (CSA) was instituted in 1988 under Bob Hawke's lea= dership to remove child poverty from Australian society. The sad fact of th= e matter was that something did need to be done. Alasdair Webster, a Member= of Parliament at the time, tells me that not a week went by without a poor= single mum coming to his office complaining about the irresponsible behavi= our of her ex-husband who refused to help her and his own children. Now it'= s single dads who are going to the Members of Parliament offices to complai= n about injustice. Unfortunately the then Labor Government used the Bolshevik model of child s= upport that was created in Russia in the early years of Communism. The Bols= hevik revolutionaries regarded the nuclear family as a fundamental unit of = capitalism that should be destroyed. The Russian Government was very negati= ve towards families and marriage in general, which no doubt made their chil= d support system even busier. The Hawke Government gave the Child Support Agency enormous powers under it= s 'big brother' organisation (literally) the 'Family Law Court'. When the C= hild Support Agency was formed the Family Law Court operated in a similar w= ay to a 'star chamber' and it was notoriously biased against the male of th= e species. This anti-father sentiment provided the foundation of the format= ion of the Child Support Agency which one could argue got it off to a bad s= tart. Bureaucracies are rarely cost efficient and the CSA rapidly became un= wieldy. Experts estimate that mothers began to receive less in support in r= eal terms on average than before the introduction of the CSA. I believe thi= s to be the case. The Fatherhood Foundation has heard of several suicides w= here men committed suicide with CSA letters of demand in their hands. A few= years ago one child support worker was heard to express joy after a father= payee committed suicide. The pernicious anti-male bias within the CSA that= drove many men to an early grave has been documented by Dr Pamela Henry and Natalie Gately from Edith C= owan University, Western Australia. Despite its shortcomings the Child Support Agency is trying to reform itsel= f. The trouble is knowing what is genuine reform and what is clever spin. O= ne of the most recent headlines about a billion dollars worth of debt owed = by fathers was particularly galling. A significant proportion was calculate= d from debt owed by deceased fathers and also fathers in nursing homes with= no hope of repaying the debt. Some of this billion dollar debt was also 'd= eemed debt', a figure construed by the CSA. It is a sad day when a governme= nt agency has to use blood money to reach the magical billion dollar figure= needed for a media release. Tony Miller from Dads in Distress has a great saying: 'There is His Story, = Her Story and the Truth'. The truth is often hard to find. My wife and I ar= e friends with a number of single mums. One of those friends struggled fina= ncially to support her two kids for four years without any help from her ex= -husband who had walked out on her for another woman. She did not wish to a= ppear to be a money grabber and so refrained from reporting him to the Chil= d Support Agency. However when he 'suddenly' found the money to buy a busin= ess, she decided to allow the Child Support System to handle his duplicity.= We know of many similar stories where former husbands have not pulled thei= r weight in regards to their financial obligations to support their own fle= sh and blood. Situations abound where single mums have faced injustice as w= ell as that suffered by single dads. Unfortunately Peter Ferguson has every= right to call the fathers of Australia to step up to the plate and honour = their obligations to their children There is still a need for a fairer collection mechanism to help the childre= n of Australia. The reform process has not finished. The Fatherhood Foundat= ion is pro-mother, pro-father and most importantly pro-children. One way to= solve the problem is to follow the new Russian example and declare a natio= nal holiday for Family Love and Fidelity. Ms Safina, a government spokesperson said, "Gr= owing up without fathers at home harmed our children . . . He will not know= what it is to be a man." If only our government would copy the Russians no= w! Prevention is always better than cure. The Fatherhood Foundation would like to honour the many fathers who have fo= ught for reform for a better system and equally honour those fathers who co= nsistently pay child support every week. We cannot do without either. Our c= hildren need our help. Warwick Marsh Fatherhood Foundation All You Need is Love [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/345.jpg?a=3D= 1102187222638] 10 Things You can do to Have a Healthy Marriage By John Gray 1. Spend time with each other. 2. Learn to negotiate conflict. 3. Show respect for each other at all times. 4. Learn about yourself first. 5. Explore intimacy. 6. Explore common interests. 7. Create a spiritual connection. 8. Improve your communication skills. 9. Forgive each other. 10. Look for the best in each other. Dr John Gray is the author of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus= '. His latest book is titled: 'Why Mars & Venus Collide'. Special Feature The Dark Side of Dad[http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/11019383454= 15/img/344.jpg?a=3D1102187222638] 'I wished he would die. And then he did' Calvin Sandborn, Weekend Post Saturday, June 14, 2008 VICTORIA -Tomorrow I'll think fondly of Dad. Which is odd, because I hated = him when he was alive. Dad was an angry, hard-swearing, tattooed man's man. He'd been an Alaska bu= sh pilot, but by the time I came along, he was a California travelling sale= sman, drinking himself to death. When I was two he got drunk and threw my e= mpty crib across the bedroom. When I was 12, he challenged my brother to a = fist fight. He routinely shouted at us in front of our friends. By the time= I was 13, I wished he would die. And then he did. I thought that my wish had killed him, and for the longest= time I couldn't forgive myself. I was scared to death I would damage someo= ne else. But four decades on, I've forgiven myself for hating him. More difficult, I= 've somehow forgiven myself for the Dad-like fury I inflicted on my own fam= ily. To my surprise, as I became kinder to myself, I formed a more rounded pictu= re of Dad. His anger had its reasons. His father died young, leaving him wi= th a stepfather who favoured his own kids. When Dad was 14, his preacher gr= andfather hauled him in front of the congregation and viciously denounced h= im for teaching other kids the Charleston. Humiliated, Dad ran away from home and joined the carnival, growing up on t= he road with hardened carnies. In middle age, his sales job was crushing. H= e was a brilliant man with a Grade 8 education, reduced to knocking on door= s and imploring merchants to buy advertising promotions like imprinted pens= and squeeze coin purses. But Dad's biggest problem was that he never got in touch with his own pain,= never learned how to process his feelings. Like many men, he believed the = lie that "Big boys don't cry," so he refused to seek out friends and instea= d turned his pain into anger. The anger kept shameful sorrow at bay. Swigging vodka straight from the bot= tle, he forced us to cry his tears. This was the Dad I hated. But a funny thing happened after I forgave him. A= different Dad returned from the shadows, borne by a flood of memory. I fou= nd myself recalling the times when he didn't drink: It was evening at the river. I was five, and Dad was still young and strong= . We were camping in the California Coast Range. Although I couldn't swim, = I had wandered down to the river after dinner and paddled an inner tube out= to the middle of the big dark pool. I lay back in the inner tube, gazing a= t the cliff that loomed above on the other side of the water. Suddenly I slipped through the middle of the tube, and I was in the water, = struggling. I sank into the cold dark water. As I resurfaced, I could see D= ad running down the beach, tearing off his shoes and plunging powerfully in= to the river. Then I was under again, swallowing cold water, sinking into b= lackness ... Then I felt myself being pushed powerfully to the surface, as Dad rose like= a sea lion below me. I gasped the air, and was saved. But he had swallowed water, too, and began to cough and struggle himself. "= Dad!" I cried in a panic. He sank below me, and I again fell back into the = black waters, gulping and sputtering, stepping on his head. As we sank, the= murky yellow light of the world receded into darkness, with no sound but m= y thundering heartbeat. I felt his hands grip my calves and place my feet firmly on his shoulders. = Then, as in the game we'd often played, he drifted down and bounced back up= from the river bottom, thrusting me to the surface. And then his tattooed = arm was around my chest, towing me to safety. Keeping my face above the wat= er, he coughed, then murmured, "It's OK, Cal. It's OK." Finally we staggered on to the sandy beach. As I stood gasping, shivering a= nd crying, he hugged me to his heaving chest. Then he went to the trailer t= o get a towel and wrapped it around me. Later, as he heated hot chocolate on the Coleman stove he did the unusual -= - he sat me on his lap. After a while, he turned the Giants game on the rad= io, and we sipped hot chocolate while the sun sank behind the cliff. At the end of his life, I think Dad, like me, had forgotten that day. He fo= rgot his goodness. I wish that, when he ruminated on his failures, he had b= een able to remember the good things. I wish that, when he thought of his y= ears of unemployment, his bankruptcy, the jalopies he drove, his failed mar= riages, his destructive anger, that he had been able to recall that day on = the river. Most of all, I wish he'd had a kind father to remind him of the = good things about himself -- his sense of humour, his charm, his ability to= spin a story for a crowd, his compassion for the unfortunate, his intellig= ence, his ability to make a day's outing with a young boy into an exciting = adventure. I wish someone had told him that he did not have to be a Man of Steel, that= it was OK to be sad. I wish he had understood that he was no different fro= m any of us, a mixture of good and bad. I wish he had realized that he coul= d be forgiven, and that he could forgive. The fact was, he didn't have to die alone in the Country of Resentment. The= re was room for him in the Country of Love. ___________________________ Calvin Sandborn is a professor of environmental law and the legal director = of the University of Victoria Environmental Law Clinic. He is the author of= Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey (New Society, 2007). News & Info News Links for Parents [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/75.jpg?a=3D11= 02187222638] Judge Changes Girl's Ridiculous Name Deadbeat Dads fleeing to avoid maintenance Rights of Child Paramount When will we see our Children? Judges urged to talk to kids in family disputes Fat Kids Size 20 School Uniforms ____________________________________________________________________ Camp Connect Victorian Camp coming soon Dads & Kids Weekend Camp Sept 2008-Register Here _________________________________________ Letters Dear Fatherhood Foundation I'm from a publication called MiNDFOOD (www.mindfood.com) and I'm writing a= story about men who experience workplace discrimination because they take = time off to care for their children. Do you know of anyone who has experienced this and is willing to be intervi= ewed? Regards, Alicia alicia@mindfood.com _______________________ Editor's Note: Can anyone help Carl or make any suggestions to help solve h= is case Dear Fatherhood Foundation I currently have a child who has been wrongfully retained by his paternal G= randparents in the Philippines since the death of my wife from complication= s from cervical cancer back in September 2006. The search for him has yield= ed success with my son being found with the help of the U.S. State Departme= nt, however communication and his welfare have not been established, due to= the region not being a treaty participant of the Hague Convention. The Dep= artment of Social Services has determined that my minor son who will obtain= the age of 12 years on September 8, 2008 has been "resettled" and cannot b= e forced to return to the United States of America with me (who is his biol= ogical father and legal next of kin.) Please contact me if any assistance c= an be provided to me in these very difficult times. Carl Pancoast Carl.Pancoast@nychhc.org ________________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation Caught Warwick and Mel on the TV the other morning. Great to see you guys g= etting such positive exposure. PTL! I'm bit wary though of the "Americanisation" of Aussie church, but I know y= ou've got that 'sussed' anyway. So you don't need me telling ya stuff you a= lready know. Looking forward to seeing your great smiling Aussie face replace the other = guy's mug on your FHF Newsletter masthead, some time! Love ya heaps Bro, Marty SouthernLife Moruya _______________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation I saw Warwick and Melodie on TV yesterday. You did a great job at taking an= odd American method and finding the simple gem at the core. It was good exposure for the great work of the Fatherhood Foundation which = uses typical Aussie manners to get at the heart. I am looking forward to wh= en NBC catches on to our bush based ideas and sees how good Australian men = just love being with their great sons and daughters around the BBQ or campf= ire. (Well maybe the daughters prefer Gloria Jeans coffee shops!) Well done= Warwick! Mark __________________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation I saw Warwick's interview this morning. I thought it was very balanced and = Melodie spoke very well. She is a feather in yours and Alison's cap. I was so proud of you and wish you well with this new endeavour. I only wis= h it was around when Katrina was growing up. All the best and our prayers will be with you. John __________________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation I caught a snippet on TV this morning about a ball someone is planning in s= upport and encouragement of sexual integrity etc. There was a mention of Fatherhood Foundation. Can you fill me in please? I can post something on www.100goodmen.com.au Best regards, Steve Barnes ________________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation Great article in the Sydney Morning Herald and I looked at some of the link= s too. This is a great movement, but I agree with your perceptive comment = that it needs to be "set among the gum trees". Regards Richard ________________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation It's good that you're getting these break throughs in the media. Well done! Phil ___________________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation Good interview - well done both of you. Regards David Dad's Prayer [http://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1101938345415/img/343.jpg?a=3D1= 102187222638] Dear God Help me not pass by myself in the rush of life. Help me discover who I am and in doing so, I might discover who You are. May I, as Calvin Sandborn says: "Move from the Country of Resentment and live in the Country of Love". It is a lot more relaxing there and my children will enjoy it as well! Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of h= arm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in f= athering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, pr= otective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and thei= r children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public F= und and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax ded= uctibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong DONATE ONLINE BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 542 UNANDERRA NSW 2526 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Regis= ter of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax = Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscri= bed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receiv= e future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below. Forward email [http://img.constantcontact.com/letters/images/safe_unsubscribe_logo.gif] This email was sent to blane@uow.edu.au by info@fathersonline.org. Update Profile/Email Address | Instant removal with SafeUnsubscribe(tm) | Pri= vacy Policy. Email Marketing= by [http://img.constantcontact.com/letters/images/cc-logo-color-sm.gif] Fatherhood Foundation | P.O. Box 542 | Unanderra | NSW | 2526 | Australia --_000_1102187222638110193834541512118100191502scheduler_ Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
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4th August 2008   = ;      Inspiring Fathers<= font color=3D"#000000" face=3D"Comic Sans MS,Verdana,Helvetica,sans-serif">=   Encouraging Families Issue 311
=
Being the Kind Father
Dear Brian,

Welc= ome to the Fatherhood Foundation newsletter and email information service f= or the fathers and families as we present being the kind Father.

=09
In This Issue
Frontline...A Brave Man's Story
Laughter.. Going, Going Gong
Grandfathers...Passing by Wondering
Single Dads...Two Sides of the Same Coin
All You Need is Love..10 Things You Can Do
Special Feature...The Dark Side of Dad
News & Info..News Links for Parents
Dad's Prayer..Help Me Discover Who I Am
Next Week&nb= sp;
 Fath= ering Adventures
 =09 =09
 
Join our Mailing List!
 
Quick Links

Thought of the Week

3D"Kid 
Go to your bosom,
knoc= k there and ask your heart
what it doth know.
&nb= sp;
Shakespeare
Frontline
  3D"Calvin
It's a brave man who can tell his own story. Calvin Sandborn is one of= those brave men and his book titled 'Becoming the Kind Father' is a very personal story of a man w= ho wanted to kill his father, but instead killed his feelings.
 <= br />Fortunately Calvin miraculously got in touch with his 'true man', as D= r Elizabeth Celi would say, spurred on by the destruction of his own family= .  Calvin's story is not uncommon but it is heart rending and if you c= an read the book without shedding a tear you are a better man than me. Alth= ough Calvin would argue the case that the problem with modern men is that a= twisted form of patriarchy has knocked the feelings out of most men. Tears= do not come easily to such men. The challenge we face is to find ours= elves. In finding ourselves we can then have authentic relationships with o= thers. It is only then we can become the Kind Father. I find it hard not to= agree with him. In Calvin's own words:
 
Furthermore, intim= acy with my own feelings prepares me for intimacy with others. For I can't = have an authentic relationship with you until I know who I am. I can't poss= ibly share myself with you until I know what it is I feel and want. And I c= an't be comfortable with your feelings until I've learned to be comfortable= with my own. As Bernard Berkowitz observed:
 
"People can s= hare whole worlds with each other, but first they must have access to their= own".
 
Knowing what I'm feeling has transformed the nature= of my intimate relationships. I am no longer just playing a role. There's = a depth and warmth, a comfort and confidence in just being real about who I= am and what I feel. There's a satisfaction in putting forward my real feel= ings to others - and being met by a real person in response.
 Perhaps, most importantly, the process of feeling things deeply and resp= onding to those feelings with the Kind Father's compassion means that I fin= ally have a real relationship with myself. My inner child is no longer an o= rphan.
 
Long ago, Socrates said that life's central challen= ge was to "Know thyself." More than a millennium later, St Augustine pointe= d out the same thing:
 
"People travel to wonder at the heig= ht of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of river= s, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; a= nd the pass by themselves without wondering."
 
I will not s= pend a lifetime passing by myself without wondering. I will not ignore one = of life's most important questions - Who am I? I will pay attention to my h= eart.
 
Lovework
 
You may wonder why I deal so often with issues of the= heart.
 
"Couldn't you could give me some practical help" y= ou say. "I want a to-do list on how to become a good father." The truth is = that many men have those lists 'ad nauseam', but it doesn't m= ean a thing because, just like Calvin Sandborn, they are carrying heavy bag= gage from their childhood.  We all need to lighten our load!
&nbs= p;
Lovework this week is to simply 'STOP, THINK, FEEL'! What more can = I say??
 
Yours for more feeling
Warwick Marsh
&nb= sp;
PS My daughter and I had our interview about Father Daughter Purity Balls and some one has alread= y put it up on YouTube. We have had several emails from those interested in= getting a 'Father Daughter Purity Ball' happening in Australia. If you are= interested please contact us at info@fatherhood.org.au You might even like to te= ll the Sydney Morning Herald what you think of Purity= Balls at their Readers' Poll. Currently out of 825 votes it's 15% for = and 85% against. 

<= /span>____________________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 32= years. He is the grandfather of two children and father of five children, = four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 27 years to 15 years. = ; Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes = to think he can still laugh at himself.<= /div>
Laughter
=
 3D"Gong"
A young man moved away from his parents to become a s= tudent. Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends la= te one night, he led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gon= g.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's = not a gong. It's a talking clock," the man replied.
"A talking clock? = Seriously? Asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the student. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," t= he student replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound = and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.= Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You idiot, it's= ten past three in the morning!" 
________________________= __
   
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher abou= t the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day t= he mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The si= x-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he st= opped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher final= ly sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that bab= y brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tear= s and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
 
_________________= _____________________
 
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take ni= ne months to download."
Grandfathers
 
3D"people =20
 
People travel to wonder at=20
the height of mountains,
at the vast compass of the ocean,
a= t the circular motion of the stars;
and they pass by themselves withou= t wondering.
 
St Augustine

=
Single Dads
 3D"Twin
Single Dads =20
   - 
Two Sides of the Same Coin
 
By Warwick Marsh
 
If you have been = following Single Dads in fathersonline for a few years you would realize th= at I have a passion to encourage single dads to be great dads for their chi= ldren. You will also know that the Fatherhood Foundation has been a strong = advocate for fairer treatment for single dads by government and legal instr= umentalities.
 
In the past few weeks we have had articles f= rom John Flanagan and Peter Ferguson.
 
John Flanagan of 'Fa= irness in Child Support' and the 'Equal Parenting Party' wrote a Single Dad= s article in Issue 308 - 14th July 2008 that was critical of the Child Supp= ort Agency.
 
Last week (Issue 310 - 28th July 2008) Peter = Ferguson, who was a single dad himself and suffered under the regime of the= Child Support Agency, got stuck into John Flanagan and the many fathers wh= o ignore their moral and financial obligations to support their children. 
The Fatherhood Foundation has received several letters of c= oncern both ways, so I would like to make a few comments about the issues i= nvolved.
 
Firstly both of these authors are good friends of= mine. Both are dedicated fathers who have re-partnered and are actively se= eking to make a contribution to society. Both John and Peter are men of exe= mplary character and are both well respected in the community. Why is there= such strong disagreement between them? Which of these fine men is right? 
I am convinced that both are right and that their differing= opinions are two side of the same coin.
 
The Child Suppor= t Agency (CSA) was instituted in 1988 under Bob Hawke's leadership to remov= e child poverty from Australian society. The sad fact of the matter was tha= t something did need to be done. Alasdair Webster, a Member of Parliament a= t the time, tells me that not a week went by without a poor single mum comi= ng to his office complaining about the irresponsible behaviour of her ex-hu= sband who refused to help her and his own children. Now it's single dads wh= o are going to the Members of Parliament offices to complain about injustic= e.
 
Unfortunately the then Labor Government used the Bolshe= vik model of child support that was created in Russia in the early years of= Communism. The Bolshevik revolutionaries regarded the nuclear family as a = fundamental unit of capitalism that should be destroyed. The Russian Govern= ment was very negative towards families and marriage in general, which no d= oubt made their child support system even busier.
 
The Hawk= e Government gave the Child Support Agency enormous powers under its 'big b= rother' organisation (literally) the 'Family Law Court'. When the Child Sup= port Agency was formed the Family Law Court operated in a similar way to a = 'star chamber' and it was notoriously biased against the male of the specie= s. This anti-father sentiment provided the foundation of the formation of t= he Child Support Agency which one could argue got it off to a bad start. Bu= reaucracies are rarely cost efficient and the CSA rapidly became unwieldy. = Experts estimate that mothers began to receive less in support in real term= s on average than before the introduction of the CSA. I believe this to be = the case. The Fatherhood Foundation has heard of several suicides where men= committed suicide with CSA letters of demand in their hands. A few years a= go one child support worker was heard to express joy after a father payee c= ommitted suicide. The pernicious anti-male bias within the CSA that drove m= any men to an early grave has been documented by Dr Pamela Henry and Natalie Gately from Edith Cowan University, Western Austr= alia.
 
Despite its shortcomings the Child Support Agency is= trying to reform itself. The trouble is knowing what is genuine reform and= what is clever spin. One of the most recent headlines about a billion doll= ars worth of debt owed by fathers was particularly galling. A significant p= roportion was calculated from debt owed by deceased fathers and also father= s in nursing homes with no hope of repaying the debt. Some of this billion = dollar debt was also 'deemed debt', a figure construed by the CSA. It is a = sad day when a government agency has to use blood money to reach the magica= l billion dollar figure needed for a media release.
 
Tony M= iller from Dads in Distress has a great saying: 'There is His Story, Her St= ory and the Truth'. The truth is often hard to find. My wife and I are frie= nds with a number of single mums. One of those friends struggled financiall= y to support her two kids for four years without any help from her ex-husba= nd who had walked out on her for another woman. She did not wish to appear = to be a money grabber and so refrained from reporting him to the Child Supp= ort Agency. However when he 'suddenly' found the money to buy a business, s= he decided to allow the Child Support System to handle his duplicity. We kn= ow of many similar stories where former husbands have not pulled their weig= ht in regards to their financial obligations to support their own flesh and= blood. Situations abound where single mums have faced injustice as well as= that suffered by single dads. Unfortunately Peter Ferguson has every right= to call the fathers of Australia to step up to the plate and honour their = obligations to their children
 
There is still a need for a = fairer collection mechanism to help the children of Australia. The reform p= rocess has not finished. The Fatherhood Foundation is pro-mother, pro-fathe= r and most importantly pro-children. One way to solve the problem is to fol= low the new Russian example and declare a national holiday for Family Love and Fidelity. Ms Safina,= a government spokesperson said, "Growing up without fathers at home harmed= our children . . . He will not know what it is to be a man." If only our g= overnment would copy the Russians now! Prevention is always better than cur= e.
 
The Fatherhood Foundation would like to honour the man= y fathers who have fought for reform for a better system and equally honour= those fathers who consistently pay child support every week. We cannot do = without either. Our children need our help.
 
Warwick Marsh<= br />Fatherhood Foundation
 
All You Nee= d is Love
 3D"Couple
10 Things You can do to Have a Healthy Marria= ge
By John Gray
 
1. Spend time with ea= ch other.
 
2. Learn to negotiate conflict.
 
3. Show respect for each other at all times.
 
4. Learn abo= ut yourself first.
 
5. Explore intimacy.
 
6= . Explore common interests.
 
7. Create a spiritual connecti= on.
 
8. Improve your communication skills.
 
9. Forgive each other.
 
10. Look for the best in each othe= r.
 
Dr John Gray is the author of 'Men are from Mars, Women are= from Venus'. His latest book is titled: 'Why Mars & Venus Collide'.=
=09

Special Feature

<= /font>
The Dark Side of Dad3D"Dark=
 
'I wished he would die. And then he did'
Calvin Sandborn, Weekend Post  Saturday, June 14, 2008=20
 

VICTORIA -Tomorrow I'll think fondly of Dad. Which i= s odd, because I hated him when he was alive.
Dad was an angry, hard-= swearing, tattooed man's man. He'd been an Alaska bush pilot, but by the ti= me I came along, he was a California travelling salesman, drinking himself = to death. When I was two he got drunk and threw my empty crib across the be= droom. When I was 12, he challenged my brother to a fist fight. He routinel= y shouted at us in front of our friends. By the time I was 13, I wished he = would die.
And then he did. I thought that my wish had killed him, an= d for the longest time I couldn't forgive myself. I was scared to death I w= ould damage someone else.
But four decades on, I've forgiven myself f= or hating him. More difficult, I've somehow forgiven myself for the Dad-lik= e fury I inflicted on my own family.
To my surprise, as I became kind= er to myself, I formed a more rounded picture of Dad. His anger had its rea= sons. His father died young, leaving him with a stepfather who favoured his= own kids. When Dad was 14, his preacher grandfather hauled him in front of= the congregation and viciously denounced him for teaching other kids the C= harleston.
Humiliated, Dad ran away from home and joined the carnival= , growing up on the road with hardened carnies. In middle age, his sales jo= b was crushing. He was a brilliant man with a Grade 8 education, reduced to= knocking on doors and imploring merchants to buy advertising promotions li= ke imprinted pens and squeeze coin purses.
But Dad's biggest problem = was that he never got in touch with his own pain, never learned how to proc= ess his feelings. Like many men, he believed the lie that "Big boys don't c= ry," so he refused to seek out friends and instead turned his pain into ang= er.
The anger kept shameful sorrow at bay. Swigging vodka straight fr= om the bottle, he forced us to cry his tears.
This was the Dad I hate= d. But a funny thing happened after I forgave him. A different Dad returned= from the shadows, borne by a flood of memory. I found myself recalling the= times when he didn't drink:
It was evening at the river. I was five,= and Dad was still young and strong. We were camping in the California Coas= t Range. Although I couldn't swim, I had wandered down to the river after d= inner and paddled an inner tube out to the middle of the big dark pool. I l= ay back in the inner tube, gazing at the cliff that loomed above on the oth= er side of the water.
Suddenly I slipped through the middle of the tu= be, and I was in the water, struggling. I sank into the cold dark water. As= I resurfaced, I could see Dad running down the beach, tearing off his shoe= s and plunging powerfully into the river. Then I was under again, swallowin= g cold water, sinking into blackness ...
Then I felt myself being pus= hed powerfully to the surface, as Dad rose like a sea lion below me. I gasp= ed the air, and was saved.
But he had swallowed water, too, and began= to cough and struggle himself. "Dad!" I cried in a panic. He sank below me= , and I again fell back into the black waters, gulping and sputtering, step= ping on his head. As we sank, the murky yellow light of the world receded i= nto darkness, with no sound but my thundering heartbeat.
I felt his h= ands grip my calves and place my feet firmly on his shoulders. Then, as in = the game we'd often played, he drifted down and bounced back up from the ri= ver bottom, thrusting me to the surface. And then his tattooed arm was arou= nd my chest, towing me to safety. Keeping my face above the water, he cough= ed, then murmured, "It's OK, Cal. It's OK."
Finally we staggered on t= o the sandy beach. As I stood gasping, shivering and crying, he hugged me t= o his heaving chest. Then he went to the trailer to get a towel and wrapped= it around me.
Later, as he heated hot chocolate on the Coleman stove= he did the unusual -- he sat me on his lap. After a while, he turned the G= iants game on the radio, and we sipped hot chocolate while the sun sank beh= ind the cliff.
At the end of his life, I think Dad, like me, had forg= otten that day. He forgot his goodness. I wish that, when he ruminated on h= is failures, he had been able to remember the good things. I wish that, whe= n he thought of his years of unemployment, his bankruptcy, the jalopies he = drove, his failed marriages, his destructive anger, that he had been able t= o recall that day on the river. Most of all, I wish he'd had a kind father = to remind him of the good things about himself -- his sense of humour, his = charm, his ability to spin a story for a crowd, his compassion for the unfo= rtunate, his intelligence, his ability to make a day's outing with a young = boy into an exciting adventure.
I wish someone had told him that he d= id not have to be a Man of Steel, that it was OK to be sad. I wish he had u= nderstood that he was no different from any of us, a mixture of good and ba= d. I wish he had realized that he could be forgiven, and that he could forg= ive.
The fact was, he didn't have to die alone in the Country of Rese= ntment. There was room for him in the Country of Love.
______________= _____________
Calvin Sandborn is a professor of environmental law and = the legal director of the University of Victoria Environmental Law Clinic. = He is the author of Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey (New Society,= 2007). 
Ne= ws & Info
=
 
News Links= for Parents
3D"Couple
 
  
  
   
 
When w= ill we see our Children? 
 
 
Judges urged to talk to kids in family disput= es
 
Fat Kids Size 20 School Uniforms 
 
 ________________________________________________________________= ____
Camp Connect Victorian Camp coming soon
 
 
_________________________________________ 
Letters

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

I'm from a publicat= ion called MiNDFOOD (www.mindfood.com) and I'm writing a story about men wh= o experience workplace discrimination because they take time off to care fo= r their children.

Do you know of anyone who has experienced this= and is willing to be interviewed?

Regards,
Alicia
alicia@mindfood.com<= /a>
_______________________
 
Editor's Note: Can anyon= e help Carl or make any suggestions to help solve his case
 
Dear Fatherhood Foundation
 
I currently have a child who h= as been wrongfully retained by his paternal Grandparents in the Philippines= since the death of my wife from complications from cervical cancer back in= September 2006. The search for him has yielded success with my son being f= ound with the help of the U.S. State Department, however communication and = his welfare have not been established, due to the region not being a treaty= participant of the Hague Convention. The Department of Social Services has= determined that my minor son who will obtain the age of 12 years on Septem= ber 8, 2008 has been "resettled" and cannot be forced to return to the Unit= ed States of America with me (who is his biological father and legal next o= f kin.) Please contact me if any assistance can be provided to me in these = very difficult times.
 
Carl Pancoast
Carl.Pancoast@nychhc.org &= nbsp;
________________________
 
Dear Fatherhood Founda= tion
 
Caught Warwick and Mel on the TV the other morning. G= reat to see you guys getting such positive exposure. PTL!
 
= I'm bit wary though of the "Americanisation" of Aussie church, but I know y= ou've got that 'sussed' anyway. So you don't need me telling ya stuff you a= lready know.
 
Looking forward to seeing your great smiling = Aussie face replace the other guy's mug on your FHF Newsletter masthead, so= me time!
 
Love ya heaps Bro,
 
Marty
So= uthernLife
Moruya
_______________________
 
Dear F= atherhood Foundation
 
I saw Warwick and Melodie on TV = yesterday. You did a great job at taking an odd American method a= nd finding the simple gem at the core.
 
It was good ex= posure for the great work of the Fatherhood Foundation which uses typical A= ussie manners to get at the heart. I am looking forward to when NBC catches= on to our bush based ideas and sees how good Australian men just love= being with their great sons and daughters around the BBQ or campfire.= (Well maybe the daughters prefer Gloria Jeans coffee shops!) Well done War= wick!
 
Mark 
__________________________
&nbs= p;  
Dear Fatherhood Foundation
 
I saw Warwi= ck's interview this morning. I thought it was very balanced and Melodie spo= ke very well. She is a feather in yours and Alison's cap.
 
= I was so proud of you and wish you well with this new endeavour. I only wis= h it was around when Katrina was growing up.
 
All the best = and our prayers will be with you.
 
John
_____________= _____________
 
Dear Fatherhood Foundation
 
= I caught a snippet on TV this morning about a ball someone is planning in s= upport and encouragement of sexual integrity etc.
There was a mention = of Fatherhood Foundation.
Can you fill me in please? I can post someth= ing on www.100goodmen.com.au   
Best regards,
Steve Barnes
______________________= __
 
Dear Fatherhood Foundation
 
Great artic= le in the Sydney Morning Herald and I looked at some of the links too. = ; This is a great movement, but I agree with your perceptive comment that i= t needs to be "set among the gum trees".
  
Regards
 
Richard
________________________
 
Dear F= atherhood Foundation
 
It's good that you're getting these b= reak throughs in the media. Well done!
 
Phil
_________= __________________
 
Dear Fatherhood Foundation
 <= br />Good interview - well done both of you.
 
Regards
= David 

Dad's Prayer

           &nbs= p;       
3D"Man = ;
 
Dear God
 
Help me not pass= by myself
in the rush of life.
Help me discover who I am
an= d in doing so,
I might discover who You are.
May I, as Calvin San= dborn says:
"Move from the Country of Resentment
and live in the = Country of Love".
It is a lot more relaxing there
and my children= will enjoy it as well!
 


<= /font>
=09
=09
Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Pre= vention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been pro= ven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children b= y promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word an= d deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well= -being of their children and their children's mother.

 

If you would like to give financially t= o the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

 

Fatherhood Found= ation Public Fund
(Name, address and amount details must be = emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility)

 


Westpac Branch Wollon= gong            = ;         DONATE ONLINE


BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558
 

Or mail cheque and address details to:<= br />PO Box 542
UNANDERRA  NSW&nbs= p; 2526
AUSTRALIA

 

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund&n= bsp; is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities u= nder Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.=

 

You have received the fatherson= line.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been = subscribed by a friend.  If you do not wish to receive future emails, = please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below.

=09
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=09
3D"Safe
This email was sent to blane@uow.edu.au by in= fo@fathersonline.org.
Fatherhood Foundati= on | P.O. Box 542 | Unanderra | NSW | 2526 | Australia
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