Received: from evaki.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.32]) by anubis.ad.uow.edu.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.1830); Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:17:47 +1000 Received: from febris-nat.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.210] helo=febris.its.uow.edu.au) by evaki.its.uow.edu.au with esmtp (Exim 4.63) (envelope-from ) id 1IZEEO-0007KR-15 for blane@uow.edu.au; Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:17:48 +1000 Received: from servervs1.bosweb.local (eth3951.nsw.adsl.internode.on.net [150.101.126.110]) by febris.its.uow.edu.au (MOS 3.8.5-GA) with ESMTP id FUY90335; Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:17:46 +1000 (EST) Received: from servervs1 ([127.0.0.1]) by servervs1.bosweb.local with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.3959); Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:17:13 +1000 Thread-Topic: The Power of Appreciation & Praise Reply-To: Message-ID: thread-index: Acf9brU3e3ETAQzCTpmLjiUGvD1awQ== From: To: Subject: The Power of Appreciation & Praise Date: Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:17:13 +1000 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_18ABE_01C7FDC2.86E49AC0" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Windows 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.4073 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 22 Sep 2007 23:17:13.0216 (UTC) FILETIME=[B53B9800:01C7FD6E] X-Junkmail-Status: score=10/49, host=febris.its.uow.edu.au X-Junkmail-SD-Raw: score=unknown, refid=str=0001.0A090208.46F5A29B.0017,ss=1,fgs=0, ip=150.101.126.110, so=2007-07-31 18:51:00, dmn=5.4.3/2007-09-06 Return-Path: info@fathersonline.org This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_18ABE_01C7FDC2.86E49AC0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Unable to read this email? Please click here Issue 266 - 24th September, 2007 Go to our website Here * Welcome * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * All You Need is Love * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * Help Us Welcome Hello Brian It is Saturday morning. I have just finished reading an email from one of my good friends in the fatherhood movement. He was criticising me for suggesting that we should thank those parliamentarians from both sides of politics who came along to speak at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood that we held in Parliament House, Canberra last Tuesday 18th September. Rather, my friend felt that I should be taking these politicians to task, for their failure to implement a rebuttable presumption of shared parenting after divorce, in the family law reforms of 2006. Just like my friend, I was also deeply disappointed in the government's betrayal of the children of Australia in their weak and ineffectual family law reform, Read two Media Releases dated 27/3/2006 & 31/3/2006 at: http://www.fatherhood.org.au/newsMedia.html But last Tuesday's Strategic Summit was about a far bigger picture than just family law reform. The theme of the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood was strengthening marriage and changing our present divorce culture, to a renewal of marriage culture. In a Media Release about the Strategic Summit I was quoted as saying, ""The Fatherhood Foundation is excited to host this one day bipartisan summit to affirm the importance of marriage, family and fatherhood. In many ways the goal of this strategic summit, and for those who are speaking, is to affirm the obvious. Children are better off when raised by a mother and father who enjoy a successful marriage. When marriages break down our children suffer increased risks of poverty, lowered educational performance, less likelihood of going on to university, higher rates of psychological distress, mental illness, alcohol and drug abuse, suicide, self harm and higher rates of criminal behaviour especially for boys. Research also shows that a child who is not living with his or her own married parents is at greater risk of child abuse. It is our duty to protect them. Strengthening and supporting marriages is the best way to protect our children." My wife, Alison, co-convened the Summit with me and was also quoted in the same media release as saying, "In all the talk about adult's rights in the last few years we have forgotten that our children have rights too. That is why the theme of the National Strategic Summit is 'Protecting the Innocent Children'. Our children don't ask to be born. Their innocence does not give us the right to treat them badly. We must take responsibility for their conception and birth and protect them. They have a fundamental right to a loving mother and father. Marriage best ensures that right. That is why we must support marriage." Statistics show us that marriage fosters effective fathering. The empirical evidence is quite clear: marriage is our best hope of fostering involved, effective, nurturing fathers. When fathers do not live with their children, research shows that the relationship between father and child typically dissipates. What then about my friend's email to me on not berating our politicians who came along to the summit. Why didn't I remind them of their dismal attempt at reforming Australia's family law? Even Professor Patrick Parkinson, an advocate for the government reforms, has pointed out the many aberrant judgements coming out of the family law court and the clear lack of the court to advocate for positive shared parenting outcomes. There is no doubt that this fault lies with the present government, but is it my duty to berate the Prime Minister and members of the government at every opportunity, or is it my duty to build relationships for future change? Can you imagine the results if every time my child failed to do the right thing I berated him/her for their failure? What sort of Dad would I be, and what sort of child would I produce? Charles Schwab became the president of United States Steel. In 1921 he was being paid more than $50 million per year in today's income. He said, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the best way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement . . . If anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise." Lovework Make sure that you openly and lavishly praise your children and keep your criticism to a minimum. Your children need your encouragement, not your discouragement. I would greatly appreciate if you could email the parliamentarians a note of appreciation for their attendance and support at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood held at Parliament House on 18th September. The Prime Minister in particular should be congratulated. The Toastmaster's adage: 'Comment, Commend & Recommend' is a good thing to remember. We all need encouragement, why not give it as much as we can? Yours for more appreciation and praise Warwick Marsh PS Please find a list of parliamentarians and email addresses who attended the Strategic Summit in the News & Info section. We also have a 2 minute DVD report featuring the Prime Minister's address which can be accessed at: http://www.fatherhood.org.au/greatDads_conferencesForums.html under the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood. Over 200 parliamentarians were invited but only 15 attended. Let's make sure we thank those who showed their support by their attendance and let's make sure we do the same for our children. ___________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. back to top Grandads OLD AGE The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know. Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my father!), but I don't agonise over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer to 4:00 am or sleep untill noon. I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit (board shorts!)that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it) back to top Laughter A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!" back to top Single Dads A Vision for Change by Warwick Marsh I rarely write a Single Dads article because I am not a single dad. However I do regard my self as a strong advocate for equality and justice for men caught in the machination of a horrendous family law system. Many times, well meaning friends and associates, have advised me against making a stand for the single fathers of Australia. Their advice has fallen on deaf ears and I am sure you are glad of that. Today I have a request to ask of you. It is simple: I want you to help yourself and in the process help the children of Australia. Some time in the next five to ten weeks there is going to be an election. Unfortunately the government believes that they has fixed the family law problem and have been telling everyone that this is the case. You and I know that the problem has not been fixed and the reason for that is the way the legislation was first framed. Murphy's aptly named 'Family Law Destruction Act' was never marriage or family-friendly in the first place. The Family Law Act needs a complete rebuild from the bottom up. We need to change our present divorce culture into a marriage renewal culture. To this end the Fatherhood Foundation, along with other contributors released the 'Marriage Manifesto' at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family & Fatherhood at Parliament House on Tuesday 18th September 2007. A copy of the 'Marriage Manifesto' and a copy of '21 Reasons Why Gender Matters' were presented to the Prime Minister before he spoke at the Summit. Both documents reiterate the rights of a child to know and have relationship with his/her mother and father. Our request is simple. Download your own copy of the Marriage Manifesto at: http://www.fathers4equality-australia.org/equalparenting/fathers4equalit y.nsf/files/MarriageManifesto.pdf/$FILE/MarriageManifesto.pdf Use the parliamentary megaphone facility found on the www.fathers4families.org.au website to write an email to all the Members of Federal Parliament. One email goes to all. Include a link to the Marriage Manifesto and tell our parliamentarians why they need to provide incentives for marriage and remove the penalties for marriage found in our tax, welfare and family law systems. Perhaps you could include Point 11 from the Marriage Manifesto - our call for action as below. 11. Implement a fundamental reform process of the Family Law Act 1975 with a view to making divorce laws more equitable for all concerned; specifically: 1. Examining the current grounds for divorce, namely the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, as evidenced by 12 months separation of the parties. 2. Examining whether the best interests of children would be enhanced by longer separation periods where there are children of the marriage and earlier reconciliation counseling (as opposed to conciliation counseling). 3. Including a presumption of shared parenting after divorce in the Family Law Act. Children will then be guaranteed equal access to both parents after divorce. This is their right. Please, whatever you do, don't do nothing because nothing will ever happen. It is critical for you to write your feelings about this down in a positive and coherent manner. 1. Email all the parliamentarians 2. Write letters and make phone calls. 3. Personal visits are best. Change will only come because you make it happen. Together we can make a difference for our children! Yours for our children Warwick Marsh back to top Special Feature The Vision Splendid Speech by Warwick & Alison Marsh National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family & Fatherhood 18th September 2007, 10.15 am Room 2R1, Parliament House, Canberra This speech was given jointly by W & A Marsh. Normal font spoken by Warwick, italics by Alison. Ladies & Gentlemen in the truest sense of the word. Distinguished guests, firstly we would like to thank you for being here. The simple fact of your presence here today shows that you car. Many have travelled thousands of kilometres from all over Australia. The great majority have travelled at their own cost here today at Parliament House, all united by the passion to bring renewal to the marriage and families of Australia. We are here because our children are innocent. They did not ask to be born. We have conceived them. We have brought them to birth. It is our duty to care for them, to protect them and give them the best possible environment in which to grow. The best possible environment for a child is to grow up in is with their natural parents who share a mutual bond of love. Some call it complimentarity, some call it mystery. We call it love. The greatest expression of love is the ability to say I do. Slip a ring on your husband or wife's finger and say 'for better / for worse, till death do us part.' Life is short and love is long. This reminds me of the time I was driving through Sydney with my van full. Five children plus one wife will fill any small people mover to the brim. It was a hot day and tension filled the air. I was sure that I knew where I was going. At least I thought I did, but I had forgotten my road map. Honey why don't you stop at a garage and buy a map? Look there's a person over there; they might be able to tell us where to go. But I was sure I knew where I was going and I was determined to get there. I was too proud to admit I was wrong. Too proud to admit that I was leading my family on a wild goose chase to never, never land. Honey, please just stop and ask someone. 'No way,' I yelled as my temperature boiled over. 'I know where I'm going.' But it was patently obvious I didn't. Almost swearing under my breath I pulled into a garage and looked at the map to find our destination. In no time at all we were there and enjoying the satisfaction of finding our way. Why are we here today? We are here to provide a road map for a society that has lost its way. Only 6 weeks ago the Institute for Family Studies admitted that divorce is not a good thing for our children or our society as a whole. As a young boy growing up in a broken home I could have told them that 40 years ago. Thankfully my parents did not divorce but they might as well have done. One of the greatest fears our young children have growing up is the ever present concern that their parents might get divorced. It's not the atomic bomb, global warming or getting a job. It's the fear of having to choose between mum and dad. The fear that maybe I am not really loved after all. Often this results in disastrous consequences. Tony Miller from Dads in Distress tells the story of 14 year old Chrystal who bought a canister of methylated spirits and went back to the now empty family home that was going through a forced sale. She went from room to room pouring the methylated sprits all over the carpet. What was she thinking at the time? Was she thinking about the good times? Was she thinking about the bad times? Was she thinking about birthday parties with her friends and mum and dad or was she thinking about the day her parents came to tell her the bad news - that they were going to get a divorce. The truth of the matter - we don't know what she was thinking because she never lived to tell us. Crystal retreated into a corner of the home she once lived in and lit a match. Our society has done much the same. We have retreated into the corner. The match has been struck. The house is burning. What must we do to be saved as a society? It's very simple. We must get a vision for our future. We must get a road map to our destination. We must put a priority on our relationships. We must find our way home because home is where the heart is. As Arnold Toynbee said, 'Civilisations die from suicide not murder.' Lindsay Tanner, Member for Melbourne, author of Crowded Lives, written in 2003 said, 'The days of crude materialism are over. In the new era, politics will be more about relationships, recognition and human dignity . . . The role of social capital and the strength of relationships within a community are now recognised as fundamental factors in the economic and social wellbeing of that community. Although material wellbeing has improved dramatically in recent decades, overall levels of happiness have not. Without better relationships, more money does not necessarily mean more happiness. Money won't always solve the relationship problems in crowded lives. Expensive presents for our children are no substitute for love and attention.' So what are the answers to the many problems that we face? We must first of all admit that we have a problem. This is going to take both courage and humility. I must confess I found it hard that day when I was lost in Sydney with my family to admit I was lost. I started to find my way the moment I came to the truth. Secondly we must find a road map for our future. That is why we are here today. That is why we are bringing before the government our policy proposals. Thirdly we must affirm the obvious. We are men. We are women. We are what we are and we are who we need to be. We must abandon our pathologies and seek healing for our corporate hearts. Our relationships do matter. We find love as we admit our need for healing and collectively prioritise the things that really matter. Our children. Our mothers. Our fathers. Our families. Our marriages. Strong marriages mean strong families. Strong families mean a strong nation. Our relationships define us. So let us define them. That is why we are here today. In the next few hours you will hear men and women who have thought bout our future. Each of them has a story to tell. They each have part of the road map. Together we can find our way home. back to top Thought of the Week I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism. Charles Schwab back to top All You Need is Love George Vaillant At 73, doctor is barely older than study he helps lead By Ami Albernaz, Globe Correspondent September 17, 2007 On the nondescript third floor of a Brigham and Women's Hospital office, a row of file cabinets holds thousands of interview transcripts, family evaluations, and health and school records from a group of men who, nearly 70 years ago, signed on to be studied for the rest of their lives. For nearly four decades, Dr. George Vaillant, a Brigham and Women's psychiatrist, has tended these files, mining them for clues to happiness and fulfillment, particularly in old age. As the longtime former leader of the Study of Adult Development, perhaps the longest-running investigation of aging ever conducted, Vaillant acknowledged his privileged position. "It's been like watching a group of men trample down the hill in front of me," he said. At 73, suntanned and trim, Vaillant looks like a spokesman for healthful aging. He now serves as the study's co-director and reports to work at the Brigham office, though the bulk of the work is now overseen by colleague and fellow psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Waldinger. Vaillant speaks of his life's work warmly, grateful for the series of circumstances that led him to inherit the study in 1970 and particularly to the participants who have stayed with it since Franklin Delano Roosevelt was in the White House. When asked about achieving longevity, Vaillant began with this overview: "To live to 100 is genetic, and to die before 50 is genetic," he said. "Most of us die between the ages of 75 and 85, and what it comes down to then is how we live." It is in determining which end of this spectrum individuals reach that Vaillant's research has had the greatest contribution. His hundreds of published journal articles and six books based on the study point to the benefits of long, strong marriages; avoidance of cigarettes; and hearty coping mechanisms - "making lemons out of lemonade" - in stacking the odds in one's favour. While these findings are not particularly surprising, the way in which they were distilled - through watching men's lives unfold in real time - has commanded wide respect in his field, which tends to rely on recollections. "It's an enormous contribution and has given us a sense of both healthy adult development and problematic development," said Dr. James Lomax, associate chairman of the department of psychiatry at Baylor University. "It's also helped us understand how healthy development is aided by the right types of attachments and that sustaining those relationships is a powerful predictor of aging well." Though Vaillant has long been interested in the study of lives, his route to the research was somewhat accidental. Growing up in New York and Connecticut, he was fascinated at a young age by the universe and imagined that he would become a physicist. By the time he enrolled in Harvard College in 1951, though, he had settled on English and history, and even now peppers his conversation with references to F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway. Before finishing his degree, Vaillant would shift course once again, deciding to attend medical school with the hopes of becoming a community psychiatrist. ("The world of psychiatry is filled with English and history majors who could pass the medical school prerequisites," he said.) As a medical resident, once again at Harvard, Vaillant was working with schizophrenics when he had a breakthrough of sorts. Through studying their histories, he realized that their symptoms had dissipated over time. "It made me realize that following people for long periods of time made a difference," he said. He searched for records of former Harvard students who had suffered schizophrenic breaks in college, wanting to see how they had progressed by their 25th reunion. The university did not keep such records, but Vaillant was offered access to another study, one conceived by philanthropist William T. Grant. The study aimed to chart the adult development of men who seemed destined for success, men who had been selected as Harvard College sophomores on account of their physical and psychological fitness. Vaillant seized the opportunity to explore how people adapt to life's circumstances. "I was a poor man's Gail Sheehy at the time," he said, referencing the author of the popular book "Passages," which has been seen as a guidebook for adulthood. A few years after his involvement with the study began, Vaillant saved it from extinction by securing $50,000 in funding. At around the same time, he met Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck, Harvard Law School criminologists who in 1939 had begun tracking city boys who had grown up in abject poverty. The Gluecks, approaching retirement, turned their study over to Vaillant. "It was like inheriting a gold mine," he said. In the years that followed, Vaillant would merge their study with the Grant sample. He collected questionnaires from the men every two years and health records every five, and he interviewed the men face to face roughly once a decade. Among his most striking findings was that social class seemed to diminish in importance as the men grew older, while factors such as quality of marriage and coping mechanisms played more important roles in predicting happiness and success. Vaillant's work has yielded important finds not only in healthful aging, but also alcoholism. He is a staunch believer in Alcoholics Anonymous, based on his finding that men who attended more than 100 meetings were more likely to remain sober than those who attended only a handful. His 1983 book "The Natural History of Alcoholism" explains that alcoholism leads to depression, isolation, and family problems, rather than vice versa - a chicken-and-egg problem of the sort that can be understood only through a longitudinal study. Today, of the original combined sample of 724 men, 115 Harvard men, and roughly 200 inner-city men are still living. The average age of the Harvard men is 87, and the average age of the inner-city sample is almost 80. Along with Waldinger, the third-generation of study leadership, Vaillant is exploring questions that include how unhappy marriages affect aging. He intends to remain involved in the study until he is no longer able to. "Age is a one-way street; you don't get any better with the passage of time," he said. Yet after having followed the men's lives for so long, he would like to know how the stories will end. He compared the study with a popular book series. "Every other year a Harry Potter book comes out and people look forward to it. It's sad that J.K. Rowling kept it going for only seven years." back to top News & Info Giving your daughter in marriage is sexist!! The world is compromising at such a fast rate the basic foundations of society are crumbling http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22462257-13762,00.html Are babies a commodity http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22449790-5007146,00.html ____________________________________ Email parliamentarians who attended the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood. Thank those who showed their support by their attendance. MPs Philip Ruddock - P.Ruddock.MP@aph.gov.au Kevin Andrews - Kevin.Andrews.MP@aph.gov.au Mal Brough - Mal.Brough.MP@aph.gov.au Alan Cadman - A.Cadman.MP@aph.gov.au David Fawcett - David.Fawcett.MP@aph.gov.au John Howard - mail@pm.gov.au Bob Katter - Bob.Katter.MP@aph.gov.au Tanya Plibersek - Tanya.Plibersek.MP@aph.gov.au Senators Joe Ludwig - senator.ludwig@aph.gov.au Eric Abetz- senator.abetz@aph.gov.au Guy Barnett - senator.barnett@aph.gov.au Grant Chapman - senator.chapman@aph.gov.au Bill Heffernan - senator.heffernan@aph.gov.au John Hogg - senator.hogg@aph.gov.au Gary Humphries - senator.humphries@aph.gov.au back to top Dad's Prayer Dear God Teach me to look for the good and not the bad. Teach me to close my mouth to words of criticism, But open it for words of praise Because everyone yearns for what they haven't got, words of appreciation, praise and thanks. back to top Help Us Click here for more information about us Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top Click Here to Unsubscribe ------=_NextPart_000_18ABE_01C7FDC2.86E49AC0 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Fatherhood Foundation
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Issue 266 - 24th September, 2007 Go to our website Here


Welcome

Hello Brian

It is Saturday morning. I have just finished reading an email from one of my good friends in the fatherhood movement. He was criticising me for suggesting that we should thank those parliamentarians from both sides of politics who came along to speak at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood that we held in Parliament House, Canberra last Tuesday 18th September. Rather, my friend felt that I should be taking these politicians to task, for their failure to implement a rebuttable presumption of shared parenting after divorce, in the family law reforms of 2006.

 

Just like my friend, I was also deeply disappointed in the government's betrayal of the children of Australia in their weak and ineffectual family law reform, Read two Media Releases dated 27/3/2006 & 31/3/2006 at: http://www.fatherhood.org.au/newsMedia.html

 

But last Tuesday's Strategic Summit was about a far bigger picture than just family law reform.

 

The theme of the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood was strengthening marriage and changing our present divorce culture, to a renewal of marriage culture.

 

In a Media Release about the Strategic Summit I was quoted as saying, ""The Fatherhood Foundation is excited to host this one day bipartisan summit to affirm the importance of marriage, family and fatherhood. In many ways the goal of this strategic summit, and for those who are speaking, is to affirm the obvious. Children are better off when raised by a mother and father who enjoy a successful marriage. When marriages break down our children suffer increased risks of poverty, lowered educational performance, less likelihood of going on to university, higher rates of psychological distress, mental illness, alcohol and drug abuse, suicide, self harm and higher rates of criminal behaviour especially for boys. Research also shows that a child who is not living with his or her own married parents is at greater risk of child abuse. It is our duty to protect them. Strengthening and supp! orting marriages is the best way to protect our children."

 

My wife, Alison, co-convened the Summit with me and was also quoted in the same media release as saying, "In all the talk about adult's rights in the last few years we have forgotten that our children have rights too. That is why the theme of the National Strategic Summit is 'Protecting the Innocent Children'. Our children don't ask to be born. Their innocence does not give us the right to treat them badly. We must take responsibility for their conception and birth and protect them. They have a fundamental right to a loving mother and father. Marriage best ensures that right. That is why we must support marriage."

 

Statistics show us that marriage fosters effective fathering. The empirical evidence is quite clear: marriage is our best hope of fostering involved, effective, nurturing fathers. When fathers do not live with their children, research shows that the relationship between father and child typically dissipates.

 

What then about my friend's email to me on not berating our politicians who came along to the summit. Why didn't I remind them of their dismal attempt at reforming Australia's family law? Even Professor Patrick Parkinson, an advocate for the government reforms, has pointed out the many aberrant judgements coming out of the family law court and the clear lack of the court to advocate for positive shared parenting outcomes.

 

There is no doubt that this fault lies with the present government, but is it my duty to berate the Prime Minister and members of the government at every opportunity, or is it my duty to build relationships for future change?

 

Can you imagine the results if every time my child failed to do the right thing I berated him/her for their failure? What sort of Dad would I be, and what sort of child would I produce?

 

Charles Schwab became the president of United States Steel. In 1921 he was being paid more than $50 million per year in today's income. He said, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the best way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement . . .  If  anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise."

 

Lovework

 

Make sure that you openly and lavishly praise your children and keep your criticism to a minimum. Your children need your encouragement, not your discouragement.

 

I would greatly appreciate if you could email the parliamentarians a note of appreciation for their attendance and support at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood held at Parliament House on 18th September. The Prime Minister in particular should be congratulated. The Toastmaster's adage: 'Comment, Commend & Recommend' is a good thing to remember. We all need encouragement, why not give it as much as we can?

 

Yours for more appreciation and praise

Warwick Marsh

 

PS Please find a list of parliamentarians and email addresses who attended the Strategic Summit in the News & Info section. We also have a 2 minute DVD report featuring the Prime Minister's address which can be accessed at:

http://www.fatherhood.org.au/greatDads_conferencesForums.html  

under the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood. Over 200 parliamentarians were invited but only 15 attended. Let's make sure we thank those who showed their support by their attendance and let's make sure we do the same for our children.

___________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

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Grandads

 

OLD AGE
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.

Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I
explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over  my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.
And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in mymirror (who looks like my father!), but I don't agonise over those
things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my
loving family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged,
I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself.
I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making
my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but
looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be
messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon;
before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer
to 4:00 am or sleep untill noon.

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's,
and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a s! wim suit (board shorts!)that is stretched
over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But
there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I
eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your
heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child
suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by
a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and
understanding and compassion.

A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never
know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have
lived long enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my
youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died befo! re their
hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about
what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even
earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like
being old. It has set me free.

I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but
while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have
been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

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Laughter

 

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

 

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

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Single Dads

A Vision for Change

by Warwick Marsh

 

I rarely write a Single Dads article because I am not a single dad. However I do regard my self as a strong advocate for equality and justice for men caught in the machination of a horrendous family law system.  Many times, well meaning friends and associates, have advised me against making a stand for the single fathers of Australia. Their advice has fallen on deaf ears and I am sure you are glad of that.

 

Today I have a request to ask of you. It is simple: I want you to help yourself and in the process help the children of Australia.

 

Some time in the next five to ten weeks there is going to be an election. Unfortunately the government believes that they has fixed the family law problem and have been telling everyone that this is the case.

 

You and I know that the problem has not been fixed and the reason for that is the way the legislation was first framed. Murphy's aptly named 'Family Law Destruction Act' was never marriage or family-friendly in the first place. The Family Law Act needs a complete rebuild from the bottom up. We need to change our present divorce culture into a marriage renewal culture.

 

To this end the Fatherhood Foundation, along with other contributors released the 'Marriage Manifesto' at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family & Fatherhood at Parliament House on Tuesday 18th September 2007. A copy of the 'Marriage Manifesto' and a copy of '21 Reasons Why Gender Matters' were presented to the Prime Minister before he spoke at the Summit. Both documents reiterate the rights of a child to know and have relationship with his/her mother and father.

 

Our request is simple. Download your own copy of the Marriage Manifesto at:

http://www.fathers4equality-australia.org/equalparenting/fathers4equality.nsf/files/MarriageManifesto.pdf/$FILE/MarriageManifesto.pdf  


Use the parliamentary megaphone facility found on the www.fathers4families.org.au website to write an email to all the Members of Federal Parliament. One email goes to all.

 

Include a link to the Marriage Manifesto and tell our parliamentarians why they need to provide incentives for marriage and remove the penalties for marriage found in our tax, welfare and family law systems. Perhaps you could include Point 11 from the Marriage Manifesto - our call for action as below.

11. Implement a fundamental reform process of the Family Law Act 1975 with a view to making divorce laws more equitable for all concerned; specifically:

1. Examining the current grounds for divorce, namely the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, as evidenced by 12 months separation of the parties.

2. Examining whether the best interests of children would be enhanced by longer separation periods where there are children of the marriage and earlier reconciliation counseling (as opposed to conciliation counseling).

3. Including a presumption of shared parenting after divorce in the Family Law Act. Children will then be guaranteed equal access to both parents after divorce. This is their right.

 

Please, whatever you do, don't do nothing because nothing will ever happen.

 

It is critical for you to write your feelings about this down in a positive and coherent manner.

 

1. Email all the parliamentarians

2. Write letters and make phone calls.

3. Personal visits are best.

 

Change will only come because you make it happen.

 

Together we can make a difference for our children!

 

Yours for our children

Warwick Marsh

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Special Feature

The Vision Splendid

Speech by Warwick & Alison Marsh

National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family & Fatherhood

18th September 2007, 10.15 am Room 2R1, Parliament House, Canberra

This speech was given jointly by W & A Marsh.

Normal font spoken by Warwick, italics by Alison.

 

Ladies & Gentlemen in the truest sense of the word.  Distinguished guests, firstly we would like to thank you for being here.  The simple fact of your presence here today shows that you car.  Many have travelled thousands of kilometres from all over Australia.  The great majority have travelled at their own cost here today at Parliament House, all united by the passion to bring renewal to the marriage and families of Australia. 

 

We are here because our children are innocent.  They did not ask to be born.  We have conceived them.  We have brought them to birth. It is our duty to care for them, to protect them and give them the best possible environment in which to grow. 

 

The best possible environment for a child is to grow up in is with their natural parents who share a mutual bond of love.  Some call it complimentarity, some call it mystery.  We call it love.  The greatest expression of love is the ability to say I do.  Slip a ring on your husband or wife's finger and say 'for better / for worse, till death do us part.'  Life is short and love is long.

 

This reminds me of the time I was driving through Sydney with my van full. Five children plus one wife will fill any small people mover to the brim. It was a hot day and tension filled the air. I was sure that I knew where I was going. At least I thought I did, but I had forgotten my road map.

 

Honey why don't you stop at a garage and buy a map? Look there's a person over there; they might be able to tell us where to go.

 

But I was sure I knew where I was going and I was determined to get there. I was too proud to admit I was wrong. Too proud to admit that I was leading my family on a wild goose chase to never, never land.

 

Honey, please just stop and ask someone.

 

'No way,' I yelled as my temperature boiled over. 'I know where I'm going.' But it was patently obvious I didn't. Almost swearing under my breath I pulled into a garage and looked at the map to find our destination. In no time at all we were there and enjoying the satisfaction of finding our way.

 

Why are we here today? We are here to provide a road map for a society that has lost its way. Only 6 weeks ago the Institute for Family Studies admitted that divorce is not a good thing for our children or our society as a whole.

 

As a young boy growing up in a broken home I could have told them that 40 years ago. Thankfully my parents did not divorce but they might as well have done. One of the greatest fears our young children have growing up is the ever present concern that their parents might get divorced. It's not the atomic bomb, global warming or getting a job. It's the fear of having to choose between mum and dad. The fear that maybe I am not really loved after all. Often this results in disastrous consequences.

 

Tony Miller from Dads in Distress tells the story of 14 year old Chrystal who bought a canister of methylated spirits and went back to the now empty family home that was going through a forced sale. She went from room to room pouring the methylated sprits all over the carpet. What was she thinking at the time? Was she thinking about the good times? Was she thinking about the bad times? Was she thinking about birthday parties with her friends and mum and dad or was she thinking about the day her parents came to tell her the bad news - that they were going to get a divorce. The truth of the matter - we don't know what she was thinking because she never lived to tell us. Crystal retreated into a corner of the home she once lived in and lit a match.

 

Our society has done much the same. We have retreated into the corner. The match has been struck. The house is burning. What must we do to be saved as a society?

 

It's very simple. We must get a vision for our future. We must get a road map to our destination. We must put a priority on our relationships. We must find our way home because home is where the heart is. As Arnold Toynbee said, 'Civilisations die from suicide not murder.'

 

Lindsay Tanner, Member for Melbourne, author of Crowded Lives, written in 2003 said, 'The days of crude materialism are over. In the new era, politics will be more about relationships, recognition and human dignity . . . The role of social capital and the strength of relationships within a community are now recognised as fundamental factors in the economic and social wellbeing of that community. Although material wellbeing has improved dramatically in recent decades, overall levels of happiness have not.

 

Without better relationships, more money does not necessarily mean more happiness. Money won't always solve the relationship problems in crowded lives. Expensive presents for our children are no substitute for love and attention.'

 

So what are the answers to the many problems that we face? We must first of all admit that we have a problem. This is going to take both courage and humility. I must confess I found it hard that day when I was lost in Sydney with my family to admit I was lost. I started to find my way the moment I came to the truth.

 

Secondly we must find a road map for our future. That is why we are here today. That is why we are bringing before the government our policy proposals.

 

Thirdly we must affirm the obvious. We are men. We are women. We are what we are and we are who we need to be. We must abandon our pathologies and seek healing for our corporate hearts. Our relationships do matter. We find love as we admit our need for healing and collectively prioritise the things that really matter. Our children. Our mothers. Our fathers. Our families. Our marriages. Strong marriages mean strong families. Strong families mean a strong nation.

 

Our relationships define us. So let us define them. That is why we are here today. In the next few hours you will hear men and women who have thought bout our future. Each of them has a story to tell. They each have part of the road map. Together we can find our way home.

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Thought of the Week

 

I have yet to find a person,
however great or exalted his station,
who did not do better work and
put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval
than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.
 
Charles Schwab
 

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All You Need is Love

George Vaillant

At 73, doctor is barely older than study he helps lead

By Ami Albernaz, Globe Correspondent 

September 17, 2007

 

On the nondescript third floor of a Brigham and Women's Hospital office, a row of file cabinets holds thousands of interview transcripts, family evaluations, and health and school records from a group of men who, nearly 70 years ago, signed on to be studied for the rest of their lives.

 

For nearly four decades, Dr. George Vaillant, a Brigham and Women's psychiatrist, has tended these files, mining them for clues to happiness and fulfillment, particularly in old age. As the longtime former leader of the Study of Adult Development, perhaps the longest-running investigation of aging ever conducted, Vaillant acknowledged his privileged position.

 

"It's been like watching a group of men trample down the hill in front of me," he said.

 

At 73, suntanned and trim, Vaillant looks like a spokesman for healthful aging. He now serves as the study's co-director and reports to work at the Brigham office, though the bulk of the work is now overseen by colleague and fellow psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Waldinger.

 

Vaillant speaks of his life's work warmly, grateful for the series of circumstances that led him to inherit the study in 1970 and particularly to the participants who have stayed with it since Franklin Delano Roosevelt was in the White House. When asked about achieving longevity, Vaillant began with this overview: "To live to 100 is genetic, and to die before 50 is genetic," he said. "Most of us die between the ages of 75 and 85, and what it comes down to then is how we live."

 

It is in determining which end of this spectrum individuals reach that Vaillant's research has had the greatest contribution. His hundreds of published journal articles and six books based on the study point to the benefits of long, strong marriages; avoidance of cigarettes; and hearty coping mechanisms - "making lemons out of lemonade" - in stacking the odds in one's favour.

 

While these findings are not particularly surprising, the way in which they were distilled - through watching men's lives unfold in real time - has commanded wide respect in his field, which tends to rely on recollections.

 

"It's an enormous contribution and has given us a sense of both healthy adult development and problematic development," said Dr. James Lomax, associate chairman of the department of psychiatry at Baylor University. "It's also helped us understand how healthy development is aided by the right types of attachments and that sustaining those relationships is a powerful predictor of aging well."

 

Though Vaillant has long been interested in the study of lives, his route to the research was somewhat accidental. Growing up in New York and Connecticut, he was fascinated at a young age by the universe and imagined that he would become a physicist. By the time he enrolled in Harvard College in 1951, though, he had settled on English and history, and even now peppers his conversation with references to F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway. Before finishing his degree, Vaillant would shift course once again, deciding to attend medical school with the hopes of becoming a community psychiatrist. ("The world of psychiatry is filled with English and history majors who c! ould pass the medical school prerequisites," he said.)

 

As a medical resident, once again at Harvard, Vaillant was working with schizophrenics when he had a breakthrough of sorts. Through studying their histories, he realized that their symptoms had dissipated over time. "It made me realize that following people for long periods of time made a difference," he said. He searched for records of former Harvard students who had suffered schizophrenic breaks in college, wanting to see how they had progressed by their 25th reunion. The university did not keep such records, but Vaillant was offered access to another study, one conceived by philanthropist William T. Grant. The study aimed to chart the adult development of men who seemed destined for success, men who had been selected as Harvard College sophomores on account of their physical and psychological fitness. Vaillant seized t! he opportunity to explore how people adapt to life's circumstances.

 

"I was a poor man's Gail Sheehy at the time," he said, referencing the author of the popular book "Passages," which has been seen as a guidebook for adulthood.

 

A few years after his involvement with the study began, Vaillant saved it from extinction by securing $50,000 in funding. At around the same time, he met Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck, Harvard Law School criminologists who in 1939 had begun tracking city boys who had grown up in abject poverty. The Gluecks, approaching retirement, turned their study over to Vaillant.

 

"It was like inheriting a gold mine," he said.

 

In the years that followed, Vaillant would merge their study with the Grant sample. He collected questionnaires from the men every two years and health records every five, and he interviewed the men face to face roughly once a decade. Among his most striking findings was that social class seemed to diminish in importance as the men grew older, while factors such as quality of marriage and coping mechanisms played more important roles in predicting happiness and success.

 

Vaillant's work has yielded important finds not only in healthful aging, but also alcoholism. He is a staunch believer in Alcoholics Anonymous, based on his finding that men who attended more than 100 meetings were more likely to remain sober than those who attended only a handful. His 1983 book "The Natural History of Alcoholism" explains that alcoholism leads to depression, isolation, and family problems, rather than vice versa - a chicken-and-egg problem of the sort that can be understood only through a longitudinal study.

 

Today, of the original combined sample of 724 men, 115 Harvard men, and roughly 200 inner-city men are still living. The average age of the Harvard men is 87, and the average age of the inner-city sample is almost 80. Along with Waldinger, the third-generation of study leadership, Vaillant is exploring questions that include how unhappy marriages affect aging. He intends to remain involved in the study until he is no longer able to.

 

"Age is a one-way street; you don't get any better with the passage of time," he said.

 

Yet after having followed the men's lives for so long, he would like to know how the stories will end. He compared the study with a popular book series. "Every other year a Harry Potter book comes out and people look forward to it. It's sad that J.K. Rowling kept it going for only seven years."

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News & Info

Giving your daughter in marriage is sexist!!

The world is compromising at such a fast rate the basic foundations of society are crumbling

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22462257-13762,00.html

Are babies a commodity

 http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22449790-5007146,00.html

____________________________________

 

Email parliamentarians who attended the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood. Thank those who showed their support by their attendance.

 

MPs

Philip Ruddock - P.Ruddock.MP@aph.gov.au  

Kevin Andrews - Kevin.Andrews.MP@aph.gov.au  

Mal Brough - Mal.Brough.MP@aph.gov.au  

Alan Cadman - A.Cadman.MP@aph.gov.au  

David Fawcett - David.Fawcett.MP@aph.gov.au  

John Howard - mail@pm.gov.au  

Bob Katter - Bob.Katter.MP@aph.gov.au  

Tanya Plibersek - Tanya.Plibersek.MP@aph.gov.au  

 

Senators

Joe Ludwig - senator.ludwig@aph.gov.au  

Eric Abetz- senator.abetz@aph.gov.au  

Guy Barnett - senator.barnett@aph.gov.au  

Grant Chapman - senator.chapman@aph.gov.au  

Bill Heffernan - senator.heffernan@aph.gov.au  

John Hogg - senator.hogg@aph.gov.au  

Gary Humphries - senator.humphries@aph.gov.au  

 

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Dad's Prayer

 

Dear God
 
Teach me to look for the good
and not the bad.
Teach me to close my mouth to 
words of criticism, 
But open it for words!
 of praise
Because everyone yearns for what 
they haven't got,
words of appreciation, 
praise and thanks.
 

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Help Us

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm.

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility)
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BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

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